Father's Day

I'm writing some things down for my Mistress about my Father. She says it'll help me deal with his loss plus it'll keep his memory alive :)

This coming up Sunday is Father's Day. I'm not sure how i'm going to react because it's the first time i've been without my Dad. I've talked about him a bit in previous posts however, i'm dedicating this post fully to him. I said it before and i'm saying it again, i've lost family and friends all through out my life, however, the loss of my Dad, my best friend, has been the hardest thus far. I think about him often even to the point of him being in my dreams. I'm guessing it's because I miss him so much and maybe in some form it's his way of telling me he's alright....

I look back at the good times and bad time he and I have had and I can't help but smile. I am the youngest of 3 siblings and you would think that I was the one spoiled. In fact it's the total opposite, sure he spoiled me in some ways, however, it's because I try to always do the right thing and be responsible.  My father raised me totally different from my brother and sister.  When I became of age (working age that is) He told me if I wanted anything in life to go out and get it myself because he isn't going to make the same mistakes with me as he did my siblings. So being the person that I am I got a job at 16, worked full time and went to school all throughout highschool. It wasn't easy holding down a job and studying, however, it taught me responsibility and for that I am thankful. I actually bought my first car with my earnings, bought all my clothes and helped pay bills. I had no financial help from anyone, I took it upon myself to offer what I could. Finally my Dad stated he got it right with one of his kids, me :) He was and has always been so proud of me for that.

My Dad wasn't perfect by any means but in my eyes he was.  We all have our faults.  I remember when I was pregnant with my oldest son. I was so scared. I was only 18 and just graduated highschool.  I pretty much had myself together although I still lived at home with my father (parents were divorced at this point). I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until I was around 7 months. You couldn't tell I was pregnant with my first until I was around 8 months. I really really was frightened to death to have to tell my dad, he already knew but was waiting on me to confirm it. The way he got it out of me is actually hilarious. He was driving me to work one morning and all throughout this pregnancy I had morning and night sickness, so he lights up a cigarette knowing it's going make me sick and to make me spill the beans. Ofcourse I had him pull over because I got sick, lol.  You'd have to have been then to understand the comedy behind this.I knew then that he already knew so I confirmed it for him. He was the only one that didn't put me down for getting pregnant. I was young, yes , but everything happens for a reason ( my dad taught me that) and my son Lonnie came into my life at the perfect time.  My dad , the redneck gentleman, gave up his room and his bed for me while I was pregnant. I couldn't sleep on anything but a waterbed for some reason. He stood behind me throughout the entire 9months of my pregnancy. I gave him his first grandson and he taught me how to be a mom. Crazy how it was my dad helping me learn how to be a parent and not my mother. I was a daddy's girl so I reckon it was just natural.

My father knew when he brought me back home over a year and half ago that he didn't have much longer to live. I was actually living in knoxville with a friend and he brought me home for Christmas supposedly for a visit. He had other intentions ofcourse and I had no idea until I actually got home for the first time in 3years that I wasn't going back to knoxville. I'm glad he did what he did so I could spend the rest of his days with him. There is not a day that went by that we didn't tell one another "I love You". I can lay my head down at night peacefully knowing I was there for him and made him happy throughout his last days on this earth.

As I said above I don't know how i'm going handle Sunday, however, i'm going to try to keep myself together. He'd kick my ass if knew I was sitting here crying. Luckily I do have wonderful people around me that understand and are here for me. Master Wolf and Mama Kat will make sure I don't fall to pieces and i'm positive they'll keep me busy doing something.  I think i'm going to go outside at some point in the evening alone and light a candle in his honor so I can sit back and reminisce on the good times and my life growing up in his eyes.....It'll do me some good.......





=submina=