I haven't posted in a few days so I thought that it was time I do so. Once again i'm going through some health issues that have me stressed and a little down. I have chronic wounds on my abdomen that are having difficulty healing. This is what I was afraid of. I dealt with the same thing last year, however, last year it was difficulty from a previous surgery. The wounds I have now are pretty much from the same thing, atleast it's the results from the surgery. The ER doc said it was a skin condition that I developed from my past surgeries. For once I just want to be healthy and stay that way. The wounds could possibly take up to a year to heal which doesn't help my attitude. I have to keep positive but it's really hard, luckily I have a great support system (MamaKat and Master Wolf) pushing me to keep my spirits up. All of us here have been sick in some form so we have to keep each other thinking positive. I'm not use to having anyone care as much they do. It's very comforting but new to me.
I got myself in trouble this past weekend. Me being stubborn is not going to work out too well, lol. My emotions are on a rollercoaster and I had major melt down and when asked if I was alright I lied and said yes knowing that I wasn't. I know I should have just said no but I will be, however, I didn't. Master and Mistress needed some alone time together and I didn't want to spoil it so I lied. Not a good thing to do. Honestly I felt like I would have been being selfish by stating what was wrong and taking time away from them. I now know better and that won't happen again. I need to realize that I can't be this strong person that I normally am all the time. It's ok to break down and need comfort. The timing was just really bad in my eyes, but I can't determine when the outburst of tears are going to fall. Master and Mistress made me realize what's going on with me and why i'm on this emotional roller coaster. Usually I don't have time to deal with emotions. I always have people pulling me in all sorts of directions needing me to this or do that for them. Taking care of everyone's needs but my own. Now that I have been staying here with MamaKat and MasterWolf I have time to relax and let those bottled up feelings come to surface. I don't have people driving me totally insane. I'm so not use to opening up in that manner but it's time I learned how and how to let go.
Today I woke up for the first time in days feeling like myself and feeling decent. After going to the ER on Monday I ended up sleeping for two days. The stress got to me, kicked my lupus in and I hurt all over so my body needed rest. I'm hoping to get some things done around the house today since I'm feeling better.
I'm happy as a bee this morning. I spoke with my oldest son several times lastnight and my youngest this morning. Funny how they always seem to know when I need to hear their voices. Speaking with my kids always puts me in a wonderful mood. They are my heart and if I have done anything good in my life it was having them.
Going back to the subject of my crazy emotions, the things I didn't deal with in the past are coming out now. I have had 5 deaths in my life over the past year and half along with having my heart ripped out and shred into a million tiny little pieces. I've lost friends and family and the hardest to deal with and still is, was the death of my father. We lost him just before Christmas and it was not expected , at least not so soon. My dad's health has been poor for a long time. I'd say a little over a year and half ago he brought me home so I could spend what little time he had left with him. During this time I was sick too so we supported one another. What started me on my outburst was a dream that I had of him. I don't know that the dream meant anything particular but it made me realize just how much I miss him. My dad was best friend, he knew everything about me , good and bad, and still accepted me for me with out judging. I think about him often and still to this day I tear up. I just want to be able to go home and see him sitting there in his chair watching tv. Every night we'd sit together and talk about life in general. I miss those conversations so much. I know he's not suffering anymore, however, I still wish he was here.
Moving on to the heartbreak. I thought that I was fine and over it but life has told me otherwise. I'll never understand why some people are the way they are, manipulative and cruel. To give your heart fully to someone and love unconditionally opening up everything inside you leaving nothing undone is not something I do easily or freely. I won't say his name because honestly it still hurts too much. I knew him for a little over 3 years (atleast I thought I knew him) and out of those 3 years we were together as a couple for a year. We lived in different states so we'd take turns traveling to see one another. For the first time in my life I thought I was living my fairy tale of love story. Yes I still think of love as a fairy tale. I gave him all of me then one day out of no where he just up and disappeared. Everything was fine and dandy, life was great as I was getting ready to move to Georgia to be with him full time then poof...He was gone. I never got closure on this and I guess that's why it still hurts as much as it does. After his disappearance I found out just how manipulative he was. This man had a whole other life, two other women, one which lived near him in Georgia. Talk about a slap in the face. This makes it really hard for me to trust because I thought I knew him when I really didn't know him at all. I am still trying to figure out how to overcome all this. I guess it's going to be one day at time.
For the first time I actually opened up and told MamaKat and MasterWolf about him which was not easy for me. I cried the entire time when speaking about him. I think it helped opening up and it's the first step in moving on with my life and getting over him.
Now i'm off to go on a hat hunt. Master's hat has disappeared somewhere in this house and i'm on a mission to find it. More to come later....Going to get my day started........
=submina=
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