Remembering

I have a few more thoughts and memories to write about my Father so here goes....


As I stated before I really only think of the good times. Some of these memories are kind of fucked up( pardon the language but it's true). My Dad and I fought like hell, went months and sometimes a few years without speaking to one another, however, eventually we would find common ground . That's what family does. As i've said before I worked going to highschool and as much as I studied and worked I partied even harder. I started going to bars by the time I was 17. My parents at this point were divorced and my dad and I would party together along with all of our friends. Sounds irresponsible on his part for allowing me to drink, however, I was a very responsible person and I knew my limit.  I remember many nights I either was with him or going to pick him up. Even though it sounds awful that I went to bars with one of my parents at such a young age I still cherish all the crazy times we had.

I'm not perfect by any means and I've had my share of messing up doing really stupid things. Once upon a time I had bad drug habit. Did I go to rehab for it?? Hell No....I went to  Tommy's house of rehab (my dad). He helped me get clean and get back on my feet. I was lucky to have him because no sooner than I got myself clean and sober I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son. Life works in mysteries ways and I believe with all my heart that my Dad and my son saved my life. I love both of my kids equally, however, in different ways. My Dad...He's always been my rock, the one person that could keep me grounded and no matter what I did he was always there for me. When my heart was broken, it was my dad that was there to help me pick up the pieces ,  when I would find a new job, my kids first steps, first words, he was there.  I guess you could say we kind of grew up together in one way or another. After my parents divorced my dad went a little nuts. So we kind of held each other together.

I put up with his crazy ass girlfriends and he had to put up with my crazy ass in general.  The women he chose were not anything to brag about but after being married for 21years and then divorced I guess you can go a little wild and your judgement is blinded. I know there were a few that I fought with because of how they were using him. That's what kids do though. There isn't anyone good enough for your parents. I'm dealing with the same thing out my kids today so I know how he felt back then.  In the end my dad was still in love with my mother  up until the day he died and i'm sure he loves her beyond the grave as well.

Two days before he passed I was staying with a friend of mine and he called me asking me to come home and I didn't go. I told him I would be home that coming up Saturday. If I could only go back in time and pay more attention to his words. He knew something was wrong and he wanted to see me one more time before he left this life. I feel like I disappointed him because I didn't read between the lines. I didn't pay attention. I was out having fun and he was dying.  This is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and it hurts beyond what any words could express. I've let him down many times but not like this. Then again maybe I let myself down more than letting him down. I do know before we hung up the phone with one another we told each other "I love you" and he said I'll see you on Saturday. Saturday never came...My son is the one that had to break the news to me that Friday and also came to pick me up. I went home to my entire family falling apart and me being the person that I am took over. My uncle Billy told me he was glad that I wasn't there to see my Dad like that. He said I wouldn't have been able to handle it. In some way I suppose he is right, however, it still doesn't make me feel much better. I made the funeral arrangements and all that they entailed. I even had to be the one to pick out the clothes he would wear, not something that was easy for me.  We cremated him 2days before Christmas. My holidays will not ever be the same. I know it gets easier with time but right now it's still hard as hell to even think about.  I miss him.......

=submina=