Closing the Distance

My random thoughts for my Master on our relationship :)

I know in the beginning Master and I seemed to be pretty close, however, here lately there has been somewhat of a distance between us . This is mainly my fault I do believe. It's nothing against him or nothing of his doing. I've had time to think about this over the past few days and I realized that i've been putting myself somewhat back in my shell and keeping to myself. I haven't done this on purpose by any means. It took some alone time for me to realize what i've done and now it's time for me to fix it.

I know i'm a good servant when it comes to chores such as cleaning the house, washing clothes, fixing dinner......Here lately i have really sucked at being Master's pet. I had to simply ask myself "what can I do to make things better between us?" The answer is simple.......Spend more time with him :) Even if it's just sitting in the same room with him while both of us are online doing different things.  This give us both the opportunity to spend quiet time together and communicate if we feel the need to so. I think I should hug him more.......Hell I don't know but i'm going to try it out. In general i'm going to try to just give him more of my attention instead of being off in my own little world. I'm also going to try and open up more (that's hard for me, however, it'll be one heck of stepping stone). I finally have not only one but two Dominants that actually care about me and my well being ........It's time I show them how much I appreciate both of them and care as well, along with learning how to be more affectionate. The affection towards my Master is what's missing on my part and I have to fix that .......In the past when I tried to show affection (former relationship) it was unwanted. I don't think that's the case here, i'm just afraid that i'll smother him and I don't want to do that. So
today I start with baby steps and go from there.........I'll update and note things here as they progress.......

toodles

=submina=

confused

I'm a bit annoyed and confused today.  I feel people have honestly forgotten what the meaning of friendship is.  Lately some of the people that I call my friends only seem to want me to come around to help them do something to benefit them. It's not that I don't mind helping people but when it's all they call you for it tends to get old. Whatever happened to "Hey ya want to just hang out?" Maybe it's just me and i'm seeing things that aren't there, however, my gut tells me different.

I was told that I would change for the better and see things clearer than I had before and I am. Since being here with MamaKat and Master James I have changed. I'm a happier person and i've dealt with so many things buried inside me. Maybe because of all the things in my past I didn't deal with my judgement was blinded. I don't know but now I am starting to see things that weren't there before and I refuse to be around people that always want something from me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and i'll do most anything for a friend or family member  but when you only get a call because someone wants you to do something or wants something from you it annoys the hell out of me and i'm done being used by so called family and friends.  It's quite simple, I have my responsibilities and priorities in tact. Right now they are dedicated to  my kids, My Mistress and my Master.  These are the people that appreciate me for me and don't want me around just because i'm a nice person and help out.

I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, however, it's coming down to that.  I'm not a door mat and like I said above, i'm done being used.  Friendship to me is priceless, it's not about what I can get out of someone or what they can do for me, it's being there through thick and thin and always having a shoulder lean on when needed.  It's about just being around someone because you want to not because you feel obligated. It's about hanging out with someone and not saying a word and still having a great time or doing silly things just because it's fun and you can ........ Whatever happen to people like this?? Do they still exist?? I know they do because I am one of those people. Friendship is like respect, it's earned not freely given. If I call you my friend (and not meaning to sound self centered) it's an honor and if you call me your friend then I am honored.

Ok I'm done with my rant for the day......

=smoochies=

submina

Unresolved part 2

Come to think of it I honestly feel that other than me not being there for his last moments there is nothing that was left unresolved. My Dad and I had a very very close relationship. The bond we had could not be broken. Sure we had our tough times when we didn't agree on things, however, we always worked through them. I know growing up was hard because he wasn't always there but we always , always had a roof over our heads and food on the table. Given sometimes the food we had was nothing more than a pot of beans for days at a time but it was still food.

We made the best of what we had. The most important thing out of all of this isn't anything materialistic, it was love. There are times we all fought like cats and dogs, what family doesn't?? In the end we could close our eyes at night knowing we were loved.

I remember the first time my dad congratulated me on being a mother. It wasn't when I gave birth, it was after I had both boys. T.J. was just a new born and Lonnie was around 2 yrs old.  I was sitting with Lonnie on the couch asking him where his body parts were, such as nose, eyes, things like that and then I got him to recite the alphabet and count as high as he could go.  I taught him that with alot of patience and love. My father was so proud of me that day. He told me I was glowing sitting there with my kid and finally I knew what it was like to actually be a mother. I guess you would have to have kids of your own to truly understand the unconditional love you have for your child, or atleast you would have to have helped raise one to understand.

I loved my Father, regardless of how many fights we had, regardless of how easy or hard my childhood was. He did the best he could and I am the result of that.  I'm not perfect however I am perfectly me.....


=submina=