I haven't blogged in quite sometime because I been going through so many things mentally, physically and emotionally. It's hard to express feelings when you aren't yourself. I think in some of my previous posts I stated that I was sick and was afraid it was going to take it's toll on me and unfortunately it has. I've been through what feels like hell and back for the past few months. My previous hernia surgery failed which caused me to get deathly ill.....What I didn't realize is that i've been sick with this for a long time and ignored the symptoms. I didn't want to be sick, I didn't want to be hospitalized, and I sure as hell didn't want any of this to happen while being away from the people I love.
Well now i'm in Little Rock Ar with a family member that's sick as well so what i'm dealing with has been one of the hardest things ever for me because I feel i've had to go through this all alone. I know I have people that care for me but when you're are miles away it's not enough when you feel all alone, your sick as hell in the hospital surrounded by strangers. I've been hospitalized twice and now i'm about to go back in the hospital for one of two surgeries. Luckily my mother will be here with me and I thank my lucky stars for that.
While dealing with this I did a really dumb thing coming off of meds, being depressed and in a dark place that I had no control over......I damn near lost the two People that have loved me for me and helped me through so many things. I am lucky very lucky they didn't turn their backs on me. I do believe the reason they didn't is because they both understand what i'm going through. I'm not perfect nor will I ever be, however, there is always room for growth and improvement. All of this has taught me how to be a stronger woman.......Stand on my own and appreciate the one's that love me even if they can't be here with me. I know if they could they would be in a heart beat.
My Mistress, my Mamakat has been wonderful and forgave me for my actions.......My Master....my friend is working on it. Our history has been rocky and I think we are both working on fixing that........I know he has taken on a lot of responsibilities with new girls...plus he's dealing with be ill himself once again.....Mamakat has been sick off and on.....I'm dealing with my thing and it's not easy for any of us. I believe once I get better and can go home and work on things with my Master and my Mistress things will be better and improved. I've changed since i've been away and it's a change for the better.
I have to get through these surgeries, make sure they are going to work and then I want to go home. .I miss my family , I miss my friends.......I'm missing out on the new people and potential family members coming into my Master and Mistress's world. I want to be a part of that as well......I know I am but i'm not there to witness it and it's honestly killing me a little bit inside.......I'm not going to let it get me down because I promise You i'm coming back to life.......and when I do......Look out because i'm going to be better than ever kicking ass and taking names later........I'm a fighter and I am ready to live my life again and soon I will be able to......
=submina=
No comments:
Post a Comment