random thoughts

I haven't posted in a few days so I thought that it was time I do so.  Once again i'm going through some health issues that have me stressed and a little down. I have chronic wounds on my abdomen that are having difficulty healing. This is what I was afraid of. I dealt with the same thing last year, however, last year it was difficulty from a previous surgery. The wounds I have now are pretty much from the same thing, atleast it's the results from the surgery. The ER doc said it was a skin condition that I developed from my past surgeries. For once I just want to be healthy and stay that way. The wounds could possibly take up to a year to heal which doesn't help my attitude. I have to keep positive but it's really hard, luckily I have a great support system (MamaKat and Master Wolf) pushing me to keep my spirits up.  All of us here have been sick in some form so we have to keep each other thinking positive. I'm not use to having anyone care as much they do. It's very comforting but new to me.

I got myself in trouble this past weekend. Me being stubborn is not going to work out too well, lol. My emotions are on a rollercoaster and I had major melt down and when asked if I was alright I lied and said yes knowing that I wasn't. I know I should have just said no but I will be, however, I didn't. Master and Mistress needed some alone time together and I didn't want to spoil it so I lied. Not a good thing to do. Honestly I felt like I would have been being selfish by stating what was wrong and taking time away from them. I now know better and that won't happen again. I need to realize that I can't be this strong person that I normally am all the time. It's ok to break down and need comfort. The timing was just really bad in my eyes, but I can't determine when the outburst of tears are going to fall. Master and Mistress made me realize what's going on with me and why i'm on this emotional roller coaster. Usually I don't have time to deal with emotions. I always have people pulling me in all sorts of directions needing me to this or do that for them. Taking care of everyone's needs but my own. Now that I have been staying here with MamaKat and MasterWolf  I have time to relax and let those bottled up feelings come to surface. I don't have people driving me totally insane. I'm so not use to opening up in that manner but it's time I learned how and how to let go.

Today I woke up for the first time in days feeling like myself and feeling decent. After going to the  ER on Monday I ended up sleeping for two days. The stress got to me, kicked my lupus in and I hurt all over so my body needed rest. I'm hoping to get some things done around the house today since I'm feeling better.

I'm happy as a bee this morning. I spoke with my oldest son several times lastnight and my youngest this morning. Funny how they always seem to know when I need to hear their voices. Speaking with my kids always puts me in a wonderful mood. They are my heart and if I have done anything good in my life it was having them.

Going back to the subject of my crazy emotions, the things I didn't deal with in the past are coming out now. I have had 5 deaths in my life over the past year and half along with having my heart ripped out and shred into a million tiny little pieces.  I've lost friends and family and the hardest to deal with and still is, was the death of my father. We lost him just before Christmas and it was not expected , at least not so soon. My dad's health has been poor for a long time. I'd say a little over a year and half ago he brought me home so I could spend what little time he had left with him.  During this time I was sick too so we supported one another.  What started me on my outburst was a dream that I had of him.  I don't know that the dream meant anything particular but it made me realize just how much I miss him. My dad was best friend, he knew everything about me , good and bad, and still accepted me for me with out judging.  I think about him often and still to this day I tear up. I just want to be able to go home and see him sitting there in his chair watching tv. Every night we'd sit together and talk about life in general. I miss those conversations so much. I know he's not suffering anymore, however, I still wish he was here.

Moving on to the heartbreak. I thought that I was fine and over it but life has told me otherwise.  I'll never understand why some people are the way they are, manipulative and cruel. To give your heart fully to someone and love unconditionally opening up everything inside you leaving nothing undone is not something I do easily or freely. I won't say his name because honestly it still hurts too much.   I knew him for a little over 3 years (atleast I thought I knew him) and out of those 3 years we were together as a couple for a year. We lived in different states so we'd take turns traveling to see one another. For the first time in my life I thought I was living my fairy tale of love story. Yes I still think of love as a fairy tale. I gave him all of me then one day out of no where he just up and disappeared. Everything was fine and dandy, life was great as I was getting ready to move to Georgia to be with him full time then poof...He was gone. I never got closure on this and I guess that's why it still hurts as much as it does. After his disappearance I found out just how manipulative he was. This man had a whole other life, two other women, one which lived near him in Georgia. Talk about a slap in the face. This makes it really hard for me to trust because I thought I knew him when I really didn't know him at all. I am still trying to figure out how to overcome all this. I guess it's going to be one day at time.

For the first time I actually opened up and told MamaKat and MasterWolf about him which was not easy for me. I cried the entire time when speaking about him. I think it helped opening up and it's the first step in moving on with my life and getting over him.



 Now i'm off  to go on a hat hunt. Master's hat has disappeared somewhere in this house and i'm on a mission to find it. More to come later....Going to get my day started........

=submina=

Positive Thinking

Yesterday to let out some of my frustrations and I actually walked 4.2 miles. Me, yes me, I did it!! I didn't give in or give up and call my Master to come pick me up because I got too hot and too tired. I pushed myself and kept on walking.  I walked to the pharmacy and back and that was a total of 4.2 miles.  I am so proud of myself!!

All in all yesterday was a pretty good day.  I feel better because I got rid of the negativity I was feeling with my health.  I'll be just fine no matter what I have to go through, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand the reasoning behind these things, however, it is what it is and God's will. 

After walking I straightened up the house and talked with Master throughout the day.  I really enjoy talking with Him even it's about silly things. He along with Mistress keep me positive and they both build my self esteem up.  I don't know that I will serve them for the rest of my life but I do know I am meant to be here at this point in time.  I really enjoy being here, I absolutely adore their son too, he is so intelligent and great to be around. He keeps me laughing, hell even the animals adopted me. What more could I ask for :)

I spoke with both of my boys again yesterday. Man I really miss when they were younger and needed me more. Not that I want to go back in time and start all over, but, those were precious moments.  My oldest Lonnie wants to study for his GED, which makes me so proud of him. Honestly he didn't do well in school and because of hard times he ended up quitting. I have to set him a Doctors appointment up so I can try to get his meds started again. He has ADD and the meds will help him concentrate.  I really hope he goes through with this because education these days is so important.  Now my youngest son T.J. is still in school and will be a senior next year. Two totally different kids but they are both great boys and I couldn't not ask for better sons. T.J. is the one raising chickens and his dog actually got hold of two of them and well, may they rest in peace.  I just hope the dog stays away from the remaining ones....I want fresh eggs, lol.....

Today is starting out positive and I believe all in all it'll be a great day. I have to take my uncle's a few groceries at some point today and go see my mom. Master is going to take me to run these errands and i'm excited because He and I have been listening to a book . I like to think of it as Master and I spending quality time together. I do cherish times like that and I hope He does as well.  I did sew His hat  this morning and He seems to like the outcome. It's His favorite hat so I didn't mind attempting to fix it. I actually enjoyed taking the time to do that for Him. To me I was doing something special just for Him :) 


Off to get my day started .......Toodles!!


=submina=

Worried

For once i'd actually like to write only positive things on here, unfortunately, that's not happening today.  I'm trying my hardest not to have a melt down and keep myself together for my Master and Mistress, however, I am finding it difficult right now.  I have a few wounds on my stomach that are not healing and i'm scared that it's going to put me in the hospital again. I have lupus, and a rare type of hemophilia which makes it hard for my body to heal certain things.  Last year I dealt with the same thing. Over the past few years i've been in and out of the hospital around 6 or 7 times due to health issues and surgeries along with having my fill of seeing doctors.  Frankly I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I spent 7 months last year dealing with trying to heal from 2 different surgeries (one of which I had difficulty with) and really don't want to have to do that again this year.  I'm stressed and worried to death. 

Yesterday my Master asked me if there was anything wrong because I wasn't acting like myself. I just told him that I was tired and achy, which is true but I didn't tell him everything.  I know I should have, however, why put my problems and worry's on someone that's already stressed. He doesn't need any more put on him.  I try to hide the fact that i'm stressing but it doesn't do any good, he sees right through me and so does Mistress. I'm just going to have to suck it up and go the Doctor or the ER and see what's going on with my health. Something i'm not ready to do. Hell I don't even know if I can get good health care if I need it. I don't have insurance so that's making all this even more stressful. I'm ready to pull my hair out and I would if it would help. 

On a positive note I did speak with both of my boys lastnight and my mom. My oldest got his license and now is mobile( scary thought) and my youngest is now raising chickens. Two totally different individuals but both are still Mama's boys.  I'm going to have to go home soon for at least a weekend and get together with my kids. It's time and I do miss them. We are all just so busy with separate lives it's hard to find common ground where we can all see one another at the same time. 

Funny how writing down my feelings and thoughts seem to take a huge load off my shoulders. Now that I feel bit better mentally, I can get off my whiny ass and get some of my chores done for the day.....Chow :) 


=submina=

More venting and thoughts (June 3rd, 2012)

You know there's not one person in this world that is perfect, we all have our faults. What really pisses me off is to see someone I care deeply for getting their feelings hurt.  My Master thought He made friends with some people, even went out of His way to help one of them out when they were in need and no one else gave damn only to basically get stabbed in the back.  He didn't deserve this and frankly I am extremely annoyed that this happened. He's already not feeling good so let's just kick him while he's down. I don't know what makes people so cruel but you would think they'd have a heart and appreciate the friend that could have been. I think that He is an amazing person, sometimes He puts a lot of faith in people only to be disappointed, but frankly that's life and how most people are. They put on a good front or play the helpless damsel in distress just to get attention . Then once they get what they want and need they could care less about you. This is why I don't really have that many friends only acquaintances.  I thank god everyday to have blessed me with my Master Wolf and my Mistress MamaKat. Between having Him and my wonderful Mistress I have found happiness so to see Him upset really gets under my skin and makes we want to kick everyone's ass that's put Him in this situation. Some people are just assholes and karma is a bitch so rest assured what goes around comes around and i'm just going to sit back and watch when it comes back on them, probably with a smile on face. They didn't deserve a friend like Him anyway, He deserves much better .........=submina=

Home

I have been in Little Rock for the past week and i'm so glad to be home. It feels so great to be missed and loved as I am. Being away from my Master and Mistress definitely put in very sad state. I am very very addicted to them both and don't like when i'm not near them. 

I've said it before and i'll say it again, I am truly blessed. I came home to Master being stressed out and the start of getting sick as well as Mistress still trying to get over her illness. Hopefully now that I am back home I can doctor both of them back to health. I love being able to serve them and I am fulfilled each and every day that I am allowed. 

I did get to go to the club again without them because neither one of them were up to it. Although I had a great time nothing compares to when I am with them. Yes I am bragging on them both because in my eyes they are the best and what we have doesn't even begin to compare to things that I have encountered in my past. 

I'm feeling pretty good tonight because I came home to my loving family and i'm back where I belong. Don't get me wrong I went out of town to help out a family member (my aunt) and didn't mind at all, however, it's just not the same .....

As for my night at the club, I myself didn't bottom to anyone because the gentleman I normally play with when Master and Mistress allow me to was unable to attend the club tonight. I did get to top a dear friend of mine and enjoyed it very much. She does wonderful when put in her happy place :)  There was a pretty good crowd tonight and lots of new faces. 


I actually have someone that wants to go out with me. He's not from here and I met him a few months back at a local concert. If we would have planned ahead a little better we probably would have seen one another tonight instead of me going to the club. There is always a next time and besides i'm needed at home. It's just nice to be hit on, makes me feel like i'm sexy, which Mistress and Master do very well at that, but to have someone else make you feel that way is always a bonus.  I do plan on seeing this man at some point, however, we definitely need to coordinate things in advance to make this happen.  My priorities are with my kids and my MamaKat  & Master Wolf, they will always come first..


On that note it's time to shut down for the night....More thoughts from my mind another day............

=submina=

Venting

I'm writing this time to vent and bitch so I can get it all out my system.  My life isn't bad at all, frankly i'm pretty happy go lucky most of the time.  Today on the other hand is not one of those days where I am all peachy and giggly. I'm rather irritated and most of what is causing this irritation is my fault. I have to start remembering to spread my time out a little more and give myself time before making any promises to do something.

I'm in Little Rock for the week and really don't want to be, however, I made a promise to someone that I would come visit again, just didn't realize it would be so soon. I'm not one to break a promise so I honored my word and here I sit. I know everything will be fine and maybe I needed to leave my wonderful Wykd family....My MamaKat and Master Wolf...I don't say that as a negative because I would much rather be back in Bartlett making sure they are taken care of because they both have been sick and now Master Wolf is curled up under blankets miserable, MamaKat is fighting stress and a relapse and  now she has to go home and take care of  Sir when she should be resting next to him.  I know I won't be able to  be there all the time but damnit I want to be.  They both need some TLC.  Even though we weren't on each others nerves I figured a few days apart would do us some good so that we don't take a chance of driving one another nuts. That's the only reason I kept my promise to my Aunt, however, had I known what I know now I would not have left.

With all that being said I am utterly worn out and very very tired.  Everything is bothering me today and I got my feelings hurt because i'm being a moody bitch due to lack of sleep and everything falling apart at once. I literally worked my hiney off spring cleaning for two days so the house would stay clean during my abscence and no one would really have to do much. My kid was an ass on the phone today,  took me forever to actually figure out that I needed to publish my blogs (journal) so that they can be read by MasterWolf and MamaKat which stressed me out, then I was trying to speak with Master on one of the gmail im's because my phone only has like 5 text messages left until the 1st and he got sick and asked me not to message him there because it was too noisey which irritated me even more because I can't send any text to check on him and I don't want to call and chance waking him up if he's resting. It's like i'm cursed, someone put a spell on me.  None of this is anyone's fault, it just has me down today and a little depressed.  A good nights sleep will do me justice and i'll be in a much better mood tomorrow.


I know i'm suppose to write in my journal when I first met James and Kat plus all the things in between now and then. I will and and i'll make sure that the correct time span corresponds with my journal. Right now i'm just writing down the present getting a few things off my chest, that's what a journal is for plus it is a way of communication between Master, Mistress and myself. It also will help them get to know me better in so many ways. 




Now that I vented and got it out of my system and I have a tasty chocolate homemade milk shake in my hand, I am feeling better.  Here in about an hour and a half i'm going to start listening to the book that Master so kindly downloaded for me surprising the dickens out of me and MamaKat loaned me her laptop so I could start this journal and listen the book. I swear, I have the most wonderful Master and Mistress , so kind and loving......I truly have been blessed........

submina....

Riding Solo

This is the first time I have gone out basically alone since being placed under consideration by Kat and James. I was told to to email details of my night to my Master and Mistress so I did and figured that would be my first blog as well. 

As always when with Barb we are always running late, however, we did make it to impact Saturday night just in time for the fire cupping demo. We got settled in and watched the show. It was very interesting and caught my attention.  I specifically spoke with Master Paul early in the day to make sure that He was going to be at impact because without my Master or my Mistress being there  he is the only person I would consider bottoming to.  I made sure to get permission but I really would have rather played with my MamaKat or my Sir Wolf.  There will always be another time so I am content with that, besides Master did need to go see His mom and so did Mistress. Didn't hurt for them to actually do something together without someone tagging along either. 

Okay so we had a demonstration of fire flogging and fire cupping. I found both to look really cool and interesting. Not only did we get a close up view of the demonstrations, we also got to try one of the two out and Master Paul volunteered me for the fire cupping.  For safety precautions I had to strip down fully naked.  I really don't like being naked in front of a lot of people. I know we are all kinky and seen naked people before , however, I still have issues with a certain part of my body. I'm not skinny by any means and frankly could stand to lose some weight. The issue is with my stomach. It looks horrible due to past surgeries and the only way to fix it is another surgery. Well that isn't going to happen anytime soon so I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties and stripped.  It was well worth the embarrassment of having to show my squishy tummy.  Fire cupping is a bottoms dream!!  First you get oil rubbed on you, I was on my tummy so my back got it. Then the top (Dom) gets his tools out and dips it in some sort of alcohol, lights the end then rubs across your back almost touching it,  free hand following to put out any flames on the body. So basically it's like a hot oil massage. I was in pure heaven for about twenty minutes. I could have laid there for hours.

Now for the second part of my night after mingling a bit and settling down from the cupping , I topped Clay(PA901). He hasn't bottomed in quite sometime and I haven't topped so we helped one another out.  Clay is so much fun to scene with because if you can dish it out, that man can take it.  I like how I am challenged when striking  him with a flogger or a cane. You can hit him in the same spot over and over without him making a sound or even moving. He is most definitely a hard bottom. So what I find myself doing is finding ways to keep him guessing,  whacking him when he least expects it, hitting him with the just the right amount of force tapping the sweet spot that makes him curse or make some kind of sound, lol.  I know that's probably not right, however, it's not wrong either and making him squeak is a challenge. I beat the challenge. He ended up cursing and I ended up giggling at the fact he made noise.  Floggers, paddles, and canes OH MY!!!

Clay then ofcourse played with another after we were finished and rested up.  That man has learned a lot the past few months and is very good at switching. I'm proud of him because I'd like to think that I was a part of the learning and teaching process with him along with several other friends. It's great to help someone out that's really eager to learn and what's even better is that we all walked away with bit more knowledge in certain areas within this lifestyle and we learned from one another , making a lasting impression on each other and becoming the best of friends.

Master Paul , my dear friend Master Paul that loves boobies, especially mine, made a toy sort of a mini dragon tail or tongue just for my boobies. The reason He made this little toy is because I literally get my "ass" beat during most of my scenes( and yes I love it) however, people tend to forget I love breast play too and he caught me whining about it a bit a few weeks ago. Not that I was upset or anything, however, my poor poor tits were feeling a tad bit neglected. Thanks to the new toy, that has a really nice sting to it, my tits are neglected no more.  I get to name this toy, but i'm thinking it needs to be tested again before I pick one out *smiles*

Tamara was at impact with Steve and I was shockingly surprised  and a little impressed with her behavior. She didn't whine, bitch, complain, or try to boss me around for the first time since I don't know when. She was herself, the fun loving, out going, and silly woman that I first met months ago.   I guess with me avoiding her for a bit, standing my ground instead of feeling obligated or just plain sorry for her, did some justice. I refused to be the punching bag for her. Tamara is a good person deep down, I just think sometimes she feels left out and doesn't know how to handle it. She was a little upset that I haven't called or been around, however, I did what I had to do so I could feel good about me. I'm always going to be her friend, she just needed some tough love. 

Barb and I got breakfast after the club and I didn't get home until around four and didn't fall asleep until around six . I tossed and turned only getting about two hours sleep for the entire night.  So all in all it was a pretty good night. I handled going out without Master or Mistress and was a very good girl. I wouldn't have been anything less. I am a reflection of them, therefore, if I would've misbehaved not only would it make me look bad, but it would have made them as well . It's hard being away from those two for more than a few hours. I started missing them as soon as they left. What I have found in the two of them is the part of me that has been missing and i'm hoping they feel the same. It's not easy serving two people, however, I wouldn't want it any other way nor would I want to serve anyone else in that manner the way I do them. What we have is unique and special. I know that every relationship is in their own way , and I don't think what we have is any better than the next person however, I haven't been this happy, this content, or this fulfilled in a very very long time. Usually i'm  sick of being around the same person for so long by now. Not with my MamaKat or my Sir Wolffie.  I still can't get enough of either one of them. Maybe it's because we all fit, we balance one another out. I'm not going to question what is, i'm just going to enjoy it and live in the moment.  I don't know if it's meant to last a lifetime,what I do know is that it's meant to be right now and in the end the friendship we have, the love we all have for one another will last a lifetime. 
 

submina