I haven't blogged in quite sometime because I been going through so many things mentally, physically and emotionally. It's hard to express feelings when you aren't yourself. I think in some of my previous posts I stated that I was sick and was afraid it was going to take it's toll on me and unfortunately it has. I've been through what feels like hell and back for the past few months. My previous hernia surgery failed which caused me to get deathly ill.....What I didn't realize is that i've been sick with this for a long time and ignored the symptoms. I didn't want to be sick, I didn't want to be hospitalized, and I sure as hell didn't want any of this to happen while being away from the people I love.
Well now i'm in Little Rock Ar with a family member that's sick as well so what i'm dealing with has been one of the hardest things ever for me because I feel i've had to go through this all alone. I know I have people that care for me but when you're are miles away it's not enough when you feel all alone, your sick as hell in the hospital surrounded by strangers. I've been hospitalized twice and now i'm about to go back in the hospital for one of two surgeries. Luckily my mother will be here with me and I thank my lucky stars for that.
While dealing with this I did a really dumb thing coming off of meds, being depressed and in a dark place that I had no control over......I damn near lost the two People that have loved me for me and helped me through so many things. I am lucky very lucky they didn't turn their backs on me. I do believe the reason they didn't is because they both understand what i'm going through. I'm not perfect nor will I ever be, however, there is always room for growth and improvement. All of this has taught me how to be a stronger woman.......Stand on my own and appreciate the one's that love me even if they can't be here with me. I know if they could they would be in a heart beat.
My Mistress, my Mamakat has been wonderful and forgave me for my actions.......My Master....my friend is working on it. Our history has been rocky and I think we are both working on fixing that........I know he has taken on a lot of responsibilities with new girls...plus he's dealing with be ill himself once again.....Mamakat has been sick off and on.....I'm dealing with my thing and it's not easy for any of us. I believe once I get better and can go home and work on things with my Master and my Mistress things will be better and improved. I've changed since i've been away and it's a change for the better.
I have to get through these surgeries, make sure they are going to work and then I want to go home. .I miss my family , I miss my friends.......I'm missing out on the new people and potential family members coming into my Master and Mistress's world. I want to be a part of that as well......I know I am but i'm not there to witness it and it's honestly killing me a little bit inside.......I'm not going to let it get me down because I promise You i'm coming back to life.......and when I do......Look out because i'm going to be better than ever kicking ass and taking names later........I'm a fighter and I am ready to live my life again and soon I will be able to......
=submina=
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Closing the Distance
My random thoughts for my Master on our relationship :)
I know in the beginning Master and I seemed to be pretty close, however, here lately there has been somewhat of a distance between us . This is mainly my fault I do believe. It's nothing against him or nothing of his doing. I've had time to think about this over the past few days and I realized that i've been putting myself somewhat back in my shell and keeping to myself. I haven't done this on purpose by any means. It took some alone time for me to realize what i've done and now it's time for me to fix it.
I know i'm a good servant when it comes to chores such as cleaning the house, washing clothes, fixing dinner......Here lately i have really sucked at being Master's pet. I had to simply ask myself "what can I do to make things better between us?" The answer is simple.......Spend more time with him :) Even if it's just sitting in the same room with him while both of us are online doing different things. This give us both the opportunity to spend quiet time together and communicate if we feel the need to so. I think I should hug him more.......Hell I don't know but i'm going to try it out. In general i'm going to try to just give him more of my attention instead of being off in my own little world. I'm also going to try and open up more (that's hard for me, however, it'll be one heck of stepping stone). I finally have not only one but two Dominants that actually care about me and my well being ........It's time I show them how much I appreciate both of them and care as well, along with learning how to be more affectionate. The affection towards my Master is what's missing on my part and I have to fix that .......In the past when I tried to show affection (former relationship) it was unwanted. I don't think that's the case here, i'm just afraid that i'll smother him and I don't want to do that. So
today I start with baby steps and go from there.........I'll update and note things here as they progress.......
toodles
=submina=
I know in the beginning Master and I seemed to be pretty close, however, here lately there has been somewhat of a distance between us . This is mainly my fault I do believe. It's nothing against him or nothing of his doing. I've had time to think about this over the past few days and I realized that i've been putting myself somewhat back in my shell and keeping to myself. I haven't done this on purpose by any means. It took some alone time for me to realize what i've done and now it's time for me to fix it.
I know i'm a good servant when it comes to chores such as cleaning the house, washing clothes, fixing dinner......Here lately i have really sucked at being Master's pet. I had to simply ask myself "what can I do to make things better between us?" The answer is simple.......Spend more time with him :) Even if it's just sitting in the same room with him while both of us are online doing different things. This give us both the opportunity to spend quiet time together and communicate if we feel the need to so. I think I should hug him more.......Hell I don't know but i'm going to try it out. In general i'm going to try to just give him more of my attention instead of being off in my own little world. I'm also going to try and open up more (that's hard for me, however, it'll be one heck of stepping stone). I finally have not only one but two Dominants that actually care about me and my well being ........It's time I show them how much I appreciate both of them and care as well, along with learning how to be more affectionate. The affection towards my Master is what's missing on my part and I have to fix that .......In the past when I tried to show affection (former relationship) it was unwanted. I don't think that's the case here, i'm just afraid that i'll smother him and I don't want to do that. So
today I start with baby steps and go from there.........I'll update and note things here as they progress.......
toodles
=submina=
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
confused
I'm a bit annoyed and confused today. I feel people have honestly forgotten what the meaning of friendship is. Lately some of the people that I call my friends only seem to want me to come around to help them do something to benefit them. It's not that I don't mind helping people but when it's all they call you for it tends to get old. Whatever happened to "Hey ya want to just hang out?" Maybe it's just me and i'm seeing things that aren't there, however, my gut tells me different.
I was told that I would change for the better and see things clearer than I had before and I am. Since being here with MamaKat and Master James I have changed. I'm a happier person and i've dealt with so many things buried inside me. Maybe because of all the things in my past I didn't deal with my judgement was blinded. I don't know but now I am starting to see things that weren't there before and I refuse to be around people that always want something from me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and i'll do most anything for a friend or family member but when you only get a call because someone wants you to do something or wants something from you it annoys the hell out of me and i'm done being used by so called family and friends. It's quite simple, I have my responsibilities and priorities in tact. Right now they are dedicated to my kids, My Mistress and my Master. These are the people that appreciate me for me and don't want me around just because i'm a nice person and help out.
I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, however, it's coming down to that. I'm not a door mat and like I said above, i'm done being used. Friendship to me is priceless, it's not about what I can get out of someone or what they can do for me, it's being there through thick and thin and always having a shoulder lean on when needed. It's about just being around someone because you want to not because you feel obligated. It's about hanging out with someone and not saying a word and still having a great time or doing silly things just because it's fun and you can ........ Whatever happen to people like this?? Do they still exist?? I know they do because I am one of those people. Friendship is like respect, it's earned not freely given. If I call you my friend (and not meaning to sound self centered) it's an honor and if you call me your friend then I am honored.
Ok I'm done with my rant for the day......
=smoochies=
submina
I was told that I would change for the better and see things clearer than I had before and I am. Since being here with MamaKat and Master James I have changed. I'm a happier person and i've dealt with so many things buried inside me. Maybe because of all the things in my past I didn't deal with my judgement was blinded. I don't know but now I am starting to see things that weren't there before and I refuse to be around people that always want something from me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and i'll do most anything for a friend or family member but when you only get a call because someone wants you to do something or wants something from you it annoys the hell out of me and i'm done being used by so called family and friends. It's quite simple, I have my responsibilities and priorities in tact. Right now they are dedicated to my kids, My Mistress and my Master. These are the people that appreciate me for me and don't want me around just because i'm a nice person and help out.
I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, however, it's coming down to that. I'm not a door mat and like I said above, i'm done being used. Friendship to me is priceless, it's not about what I can get out of someone or what they can do for me, it's being there through thick and thin and always having a shoulder lean on when needed. It's about just being around someone because you want to not because you feel obligated. It's about hanging out with someone and not saying a word and still having a great time or doing silly things just because it's fun and you can ........ Whatever happen to people like this?? Do they still exist?? I know they do because I am one of those people. Friendship is like respect, it's earned not freely given. If I call you my friend (and not meaning to sound self centered) it's an honor and if you call me your friend then I am honored.
Ok I'm done with my rant for the day......
=smoochies=
submina
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Unresolved part 2
Come to think of it I honestly feel that other than me not being there for his last moments there is nothing that was left unresolved. My Dad and I had a very very close relationship. The bond we had could not be broken. Sure we had our tough times when we didn't agree on things, however, we always worked through them. I know growing up was hard because he wasn't always there but we always , always had a roof over our heads and food on the table. Given sometimes the food we had was nothing more than a pot of beans for days at a time but it was still food.
We made the best of what we had. The most important thing out of all of this isn't anything materialistic, it was love. There are times we all fought like cats and dogs, what family doesn't?? In the end we could close our eyes at night knowing we were loved.
I remember the first time my dad congratulated me on being a mother. It wasn't when I gave birth, it was after I had both boys. T.J. was just a new born and Lonnie was around 2 yrs old. I was sitting with Lonnie on the couch asking him where his body parts were, such as nose, eyes, things like that and then I got him to recite the alphabet and count as high as he could go. I taught him that with alot of patience and love. My father was so proud of me that day. He told me I was glowing sitting there with my kid and finally I knew what it was like to actually be a mother. I guess you would have to have kids of your own to truly understand the unconditional love you have for your child, or atleast you would have to have helped raise one to understand.
I loved my Father, regardless of how many fights we had, regardless of how easy or hard my childhood was. He did the best he could and I am the result of that. I'm not perfect however I am perfectly me.....
=submina=
We made the best of what we had. The most important thing out of all of this isn't anything materialistic, it was love. There are times we all fought like cats and dogs, what family doesn't?? In the end we could close our eyes at night knowing we were loved.
I remember the first time my dad congratulated me on being a mother. It wasn't when I gave birth, it was after I had both boys. T.J. was just a new born and Lonnie was around 2 yrs old. I was sitting with Lonnie on the couch asking him where his body parts were, such as nose, eyes, things like that and then I got him to recite the alphabet and count as high as he could go. I taught him that with alot of patience and love. My father was so proud of me that day. He told me I was glowing sitting there with my kid and finally I knew what it was like to actually be a mother. I guess you would have to have kids of your own to truly understand the unconditional love you have for your child, or atleast you would have to have helped raise one to understand.
I loved my Father, regardless of how many fights we had, regardless of how easy or hard my childhood was. He did the best he could and I am the result of that. I'm not perfect however I am perfectly me.....
=submina=
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Unresolved........
New assignment basically same topic........My Dad...
I'm suppose to be writing about things in my life with my father that I feel were left unresolved. My relationship with my Dad wasn't perfect, we had our ups and downs. The only thing that I felt was left unresolved is the fact I wasn't there when he passed. I talked about this in a previous post.
I know growing up my father was the bread winner. He always worked therefore he wasn't home much and when he was at home he spent most of his time drinking. Growing up at times in my household was not easy. There were times we had no food, no lights, no water....It was almost like living back in 1800's. We literally had to haul water in 5gallon buckets from the church down the road to our house. We'd cook our food(at times as only canned beans) on a wooden stove. We had the good times as well when all the bills were paid and there was food on the table.
All through grammar school and highschool I played sports. Neither one of parents ever came to a practice or a game. That hurt my feelings more than they knew however, I just dealt with it and continued playing. I don't think they ever came to any school activities until my Graduation. I'm not angry about it. It just wasn't their thing. I know they were both still proud of me.
Back to what I feel was unresolved. I honestly do not know what to say. I've been told that I shouldn't feel bad about not being there but I do. He wanted me to come home and I ignored his request. All he wanted to do was see me before he left....I can't get that out of my head.
I'm suppose to be writing about things in my life with my father that I feel were left unresolved. My relationship with my Dad wasn't perfect, we had our ups and downs. The only thing that I felt was left unresolved is the fact I wasn't there when he passed. I talked about this in a previous post.
I know growing up my father was the bread winner. He always worked therefore he wasn't home much and when he was at home he spent most of his time drinking. Growing up at times in my household was not easy. There were times we had no food, no lights, no water....It was almost like living back in 1800's. We literally had to haul water in 5gallon buckets from the church down the road to our house. We'd cook our food(at times as only canned beans) on a wooden stove. We had the good times as well when all the bills were paid and there was food on the table.
All through grammar school and highschool I played sports. Neither one of parents ever came to a practice or a game. That hurt my feelings more than they knew however, I just dealt with it and continued playing. I don't think they ever came to any school activities until my Graduation. I'm not angry about it. It just wasn't their thing. I know they were both still proud of me.
Back to what I feel was unresolved. I honestly do not know what to say. I've been told that I shouldn't feel bad about not being there but I do. He wanted me to come home and I ignored his request. All he wanted to do was see me before he left....I can't get that out of my head.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
More good times :)
Back to writing on my assignment for my MamaKat and Master Wolf :)
I'm writing another good memory of my Dad......This is going to be about the birth of my second son T.J (Tommy Joseph).....I remember this like it was yesterday. He was born on Thursday September 14 at exactly 11:45 pm......That morning I started labor, nothing major just a little bit of cramping so I proceeded to do my daily routine. I wasn't working at the time so I went to see my dad because I was staying at my mother's house for the time being until T.J. was born. My Dad literally freaked out because I was running around instead of going to the hospital as soon as labor started. I didn't want to go to early and be turned away. I decided to see him and go shopping to kick the labor in even more. I remember after leaving his house around 2 or 3 in the afternoon him calling me and cursing me out telling me to either go back to my mom's or to the hospital. He was more nervous than I was and so was my mother.
I ofcourse went to my mom's house and settled in until I was ready to go. I think I laughed the entire time I was in labor because laughter always makes things easier when you are in pain and can laugh. Eventually that evening I called my Doc because my contractions were only 6 minutes apart and very painful . My Doc told me to go ahead and go to the hospital. I swear I had some Jerry Springer shit during this birth. I had my pregnant best friend with me, my mother and her new husband, my dad and his new girlfriend all go to the hospital with me. I got to the hospital just in time to deliver T.J. I remember the nurses telling everyone to get out of my room except for the 2 people of my choice. I chose my mom and my dad because they were with me when I had my first son Lonnie, however, they didn't get to see his birth. My dad never seen the birth of any of his children and he got to see his grandson come into this world. He stood at the head of the bed because he couldn't handle standing anywhere else. The man still turned white as a ghost and literally passed out. Luckily there was a nurse behind him to catch him so he didn't hit the floor. I'm in full labor and laughing the entire time just watching him. It was amazing having both of my parents share that moment with me especially my dad.because T.J. is named after him. This is one of my greatest and most precious memories of my father and it's something that I myself can always smile about and so can my son T. J. . ......My dad was never really good at holding little tiny newborns so watching him take T.J. in his arms so naturally was a beautiful sight..........
=submina=
I'm writing another good memory of my Dad......This is going to be about the birth of my second son T.J (Tommy Joseph).....I remember this like it was yesterday. He was born on Thursday September 14 at exactly 11:45 pm......That morning I started labor, nothing major just a little bit of cramping so I proceeded to do my daily routine. I wasn't working at the time so I went to see my dad because I was staying at my mother's house for the time being until T.J. was born. My Dad literally freaked out because I was running around instead of going to the hospital as soon as labor started. I didn't want to go to early and be turned away. I decided to see him and go shopping to kick the labor in even more. I remember after leaving his house around 2 or 3 in the afternoon him calling me and cursing me out telling me to either go back to my mom's or to the hospital. He was more nervous than I was and so was my mother.
I ofcourse went to my mom's house and settled in until I was ready to go. I think I laughed the entire time I was in labor because laughter always makes things easier when you are in pain and can laugh. Eventually that evening I called my Doc because my contractions were only 6 minutes apart and very painful . My Doc told me to go ahead and go to the hospital. I swear I had some Jerry Springer shit during this birth. I had my pregnant best friend with me, my mother and her new husband, my dad and his new girlfriend all go to the hospital with me. I got to the hospital just in time to deliver T.J. I remember the nurses telling everyone to get out of my room except for the 2 people of my choice. I chose my mom and my dad because they were with me when I had my first son Lonnie, however, they didn't get to see his birth. My dad never seen the birth of any of his children and he got to see his grandson come into this world. He stood at the head of the bed because he couldn't handle standing anywhere else. The man still turned white as a ghost and literally passed out. Luckily there was a nurse behind him to catch him so he didn't hit the floor. I'm in full labor and laughing the entire time just watching him. It was amazing having both of my parents share that moment with me especially my dad.because T.J. is named after him. This is one of my greatest and most precious memories of my father and it's something that I myself can always smile about and so can my son T. J. . ......My dad was never really good at holding little tiny newborns so watching him take T.J. in his arms so naturally was a beautiful sight..........
=submina=
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Remembering
I have a few more thoughts and memories to write about my Father so here goes....
As I stated before I really only think of the good times. Some of these memories are kind of fucked up( pardon the language but it's true). My Dad and I fought like hell, went months and sometimes a few years without speaking to one another, however, eventually we would find common ground . That's what family does. As i've said before I worked going to highschool and as much as I studied and worked I partied even harder. I started going to bars by the time I was 17. My parents at this point were divorced and my dad and I would party together along with all of our friends. Sounds irresponsible on his part for allowing me to drink, however, I was a very responsible person and I knew my limit. I remember many nights I either was with him or going to pick him up. Even though it sounds awful that I went to bars with one of my parents at such a young age I still cherish all the crazy times we had.
I'm not perfect by any means and I've had my share of messing up doing really stupid things. Once upon a time I had bad drug habit. Did I go to rehab for it?? Hell No....I went to Tommy's house of rehab (my dad). He helped me get clean and get back on my feet. I was lucky to have him because no sooner than I got myself clean and sober I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son. Life works in mysteries ways and I believe with all my heart that my Dad and my son saved my life. I love both of my kids equally, however, in different ways. My Dad...He's always been my rock, the one person that could keep me grounded and no matter what I did he was always there for me. When my heart was broken, it was my dad that was there to help me pick up the pieces , when I would find a new job, my kids first steps, first words, he was there. I guess you could say we kind of grew up together in one way or another. After my parents divorced my dad went a little nuts. So we kind of held each other together.
I put up with his crazy ass girlfriends and he had to put up with my crazy ass in general. The women he chose were not anything to brag about but after being married for 21years and then divorced I guess you can go a little wild and your judgement is blinded. I know there were a few that I fought with because of how they were using him. That's what kids do though. There isn't anyone good enough for your parents. I'm dealing with the same thing out my kids today so I know how he felt back then. In the end my dad was still in love with my mother up until the day he died and i'm sure he loves her beyond the grave as well.
Two days before he passed I was staying with a friend of mine and he called me asking me to come home and I didn't go. I told him I would be home that coming up Saturday. If I could only go back in time and pay more attention to his words. He knew something was wrong and he wanted to see me one more time before he left this life. I feel like I disappointed him because I didn't read between the lines. I didn't pay attention. I was out having fun and he was dying. This is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and it hurts beyond what any words could express. I've let him down many times but not like this. Then again maybe I let myself down more than letting him down. I do know before we hung up the phone with one another we told each other "I love you" and he said I'll see you on Saturday. Saturday never came...My son is the one that had to break the news to me that Friday and also came to pick me up. I went home to my entire family falling apart and me being the person that I am took over. My uncle Billy told me he was glad that I wasn't there to see my Dad like that. He said I wouldn't have been able to handle it. In some way I suppose he is right, however, it still doesn't make me feel much better. I made the funeral arrangements and all that they entailed. I even had to be the one to pick out the clothes he would wear, not something that was easy for me. We cremated him 2days before Christmas. My holidays will not ever be the same. I know it gets easier with time but right now it's still hard as hell to even think about. I miss him.......
=submina=
As I stated before I really only think of the good times. Some of these memories are kind of fucked up( pardon the language but it's true). My Dad and I fought like hell, went months and sometimes a few years without speaking to one another, however, eventually we would find common ground . That's what family does. As i've said before I worked going to highschool and as much as I studied and worked I partied even harder. I started going to bars by the time I was 17. My parents at this point were divorced and my dad and I would party together along with all of our friends. Sounds irresponsible on his part for allowing me to drink, however, I was a very responsible person and I knew my limit. I remember many nights I either was with him or going to pick him up. Even though it sounds awful that I went to bars with one of my parents at such a young age I still cherish all the crazy times we had.
I'm not perfect by any means and I've had my share of messing up doing really stupid things. Once upon a time I had bad drug habit. Did I go to rehab for it?? Hell No....I went to Tommy's house of rehab (my dad). He helped me get clean and get back on my feet. I was lucky to have him because no sooner than I got myself clean and sober I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son. Life works in mysteries ways and I believe with all my heart that my Dad and my son saved my life. I love both of my kids equally, however, in different ways. My Dad...He's always been my rock, the one person that could keep me grounded and no matter what I did he was always there for me. When my heart was broken, it was my dad that was there to help me pick up the pieces , when I would find a new job, my kids first steps, first words, he was there. I guess you could say we kind of grew up together in one way or another. After my parents divorced my dad went a little nuts. So we kind of held each other together.
I put up with his crazy ass girlfriends and he had to put up with my crazy ass in general. The women he chose were not anything to brag about but after being married for 21years and then divorced I guess you can go a little wild and your judgement is blinded. I know there were a few that I fought with because of how they were using him. That's what kids do though. There isn't anyone good enough for your parents. I'm dealing with the same thing out my kids today so I know how he felt back then. In the end my dad was still in love with my mother up until the day he died and i'm sure he loves her beyond the grave as well.
Two days before he passed I was staying with a friend of mine and he called me asking me to come home and I didn't go. I told him I would be home that coming up Saturday. If I could only go back in time and pay more attention to his words. He knew something was wrong and he wanted to see me one more time before he left this life. I feel like I disappointed him because I didn't read between the lines. I didn't pay attention. I was out having fun and he was dying. This is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and it hurts beyond what any words could express. I've let him down many times but not like this. Then again maybe I let myself down more than letting him down. I do know before we hung up the phone with one another we told each other "I love you" and he said I'll see you on Saturday. Saturday never came...My son is the one that had to break the news to me that Friday and also came to pick me up. I went home to my entire family falling apart and me being the person that I am took over. My uncle Billy told me he was glad that I wasn't there to see my Dad like that. He said I wouldn't have been able to handle it. In some way I suppose he is right, however, it still doesn't make me feel much better. I made the funeral arrangements and all that they entailed. I even had to be the one to pick out the clothes he would wear, not something that was easy for me. We cremated him 2days before Christmas. My holidays will not ever be the same. I know it gets easier with time but right now it's still hard as hell to even think about. I miss him.......
=submina=
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