Hard Times

I haven't blogged in quite sometime because I been going through so many things mentally, physically and emotionally.  It's hard to express feelings when you aren't yourself. I think in some of my previous posts I stated that I was sick and was afraid it was going to take it's toll on me and unfortunately it has. I've been through what feels like hell and back for the past few months. My previous hernia surgery failed which caused me to get deathly ill.....What I didn't realize is that i've been sick with this for a long time and ignored the symptoms. I didn't want to be sick, I didn't want to be hospitalized, and I sure as hell didn't want any of this to happen while being away from the people I love.

Well now i'm in Little Rock Ar with a family member that's sick as well so what i'm dealing with has been one of the hardest things ever for me because I feel i've had to go through this all alone. I know I have people that care for me but when you're are miles away it's not enough when you feel all alone, your sick as hell in the hospital surrounded by strangers.  I've been hospitalized twice and now i'm about to go back in the hospital for one of two surgeries. Luckily my mother will be here with me and I thank my lucky stars for that.

While dealing with this I did a really dumb thing coming off of meds, being depressed and in a dark place that I had no control over......I damn near lost the two People that have loved me for me and helped me through so many things. I am lucky very lucky they didn't turn their backs on me. I do believe the reason they didn't is because they both understand what i'm going through. I'm not perfect nor will I ever be, however, there is always room for growth and improvement. All of this has taught me how to be a stronger woman.......Stand on my own and appreciate the one's that love me even if they can't be here with me. I know if they could they would be in a heart beat.

My  Mistress, my Mamakat has been wonderful and forgave me for my actions.......My Master....my friend is working on it. Our history has been rocky and I think we are both working on fixing that........I know he has taken on a lot of responsibilities with new girls...plus he's dealing with be ill himself once again.....Mamakat has been sick off and on.....I'm dealing with my thing and it's not easy for any of us. I believe once I get better and can go home and work on things with my Master and my Mistress things will be better and improved. I've changed since i've been away and it's a change for the better.

I have to get through these surgeries, make sure they are going to work and then I want to go home. .I miss my family , I miss my friends.......I'm missing out on the new people and potential family members coming into my Master and Mistress's world. I want to be a part of that as well......I know I am but i'm not there to witness it and it's honestly killing me a little bit inside.......I'm not going to let it get me down because I promise You i'm coming back to life.......and when I do......Look out because i'm going to be better than ever kicking ass and taking names later........I'm a fighter and I am ready to live my life again and soon I will be able to......

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Closing the Distance

My random thoughts for my Master on our relationship :)

I know in the beginning Master and I seemed to be pretty close, however, here lately there has been somewhat of a distance between us . This is mainly my fault I do believe. It's nothing against him or nothing of his doing. I've had time to think about this over the past few days and I realized that i've been putting myself somewhat back in my shell and keeping to myself. I haven't done this on purpose by any means. It took some alone time for me to realize what i've done and now it's time for me to fix it.

I know i'm a good servant when it comes to chores such as cleaning the house, washing clothes, fixing dinner......Here lately i have really sucked at being Master's pet. I had to simply ask myself "what can I do to make things better between us?" The answer is simple.......Spend more time with him :) Even if it's just sitting in the same room with him while both of us are online doing different things.  This give us both the opportunity to spend quiet time together and communicate if we feel the need to so. I think I should hug him more.......Hell I don't know but i'm going to try it out. In general i'm going to try to just give him more of my attention instead of being off in my own little world. I'm also going to try and open up more (that's hard for me, however, it'll be one heck of stepping stone). I finally have not only one but two Dominants that actually care about me and my well being ........It's time I show them how much I appreciate both of them and care as well, along with learning how to be more affectionate. The affection towards my Master is what's missing on my part and I have to fix that .......In the past when I tried to show affection (former relationship) it was unwanted. I don't think that's the case here, i'm just afraid that i'll smother him and I don't want to do that. So
today I start with baby steps and go from there.........I'll update and note things here as they progress.......

toodles

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confused

I'm a bit annoyed and confused today.  I feel people have honestly forgotten what the meaning of friendship is.  Lately some of the people that I call my friends only seem to want me to come around to help them do something to benefit them. It's not that I don't mind helping people but when it's all they call you for it tends to get old. Whatever happened to "Hey ya want to just hang out?" Maybe it's just me and i'm seeing things that aren't there, however, my gut tells me different.

I was told that I would change for the better and see things clearer than I had before and I am. Since being here with MamaKat and Master James I have changed. I'm a happier person and i've dealt with so many things buried inside me. Maybe because of all the things in my past I didn't deal with my judgement was blinded. I don't know but now I am starting to see things that weren't there before and I refuse to be around people that always want something from me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and i'll do most anything for a friend or family member  but when you only get a call because someone wants you to do something or wants something from you it annoys the hell out of me and i'm done being used by so called family and friends.  It's quite simple, I have my responsibilities and priorities in tact. Right now they are dedicated to  my kids, My Mistress and my Master.  These are the people that appreciate me for me and don't want me around just because i'm a nice person and help out.

I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, however, it's coming down to that.  I'm not a door mat and like I said above, i'm done being used.  Friendship to me is priceless, it's not about what I can get out of someone or what they can do for me, it's being there through thick and thin and always having a shoulder lean on when needed.  It's about just being around someone because you want to not because you feel obligated. It's about hanging out with someone and not saying a word and still having a great time or doing silly things just because it's fun and you can ........ Whatever happen to people like this?? Do they still exist?? I know they do because I am one of those people. Friendship is like respect, it's earned not freely given. If I call you my friend (and not meaning to sound self centered) it's an honor and if you call me your friend then I am honored.

Ok I'm done with my rant for the day......

=smoochies=

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Unresolved part 2

Come to think of it I honestly feel that other than me not being there for his last moments there is nothing that was left unresolved. My Dad and I had a very very close relationship. The bond we had could not be broken. Sure we had our tough times when we didn't agree on things, however, we always worked through them. I know growing up was hard because he wasn't always there but we always , always had a roof over our heads and food on the table. Given sometimes the food we had was nothing more than a pot of beans for days at a time but it was still food.

We made the best of what we had. The most important thing out of all of this isn't anything materialistic, it was love. There are times we all fought like cats and dogs, what family doesn't?? In the end we could close our eyes at night knowing we were loved.

I remember the first time my dad congratulated me on being a mother. It wasn't when I gave birth, it was after I had both boys. T.J. was just a new born and Lonnie was around 2 yrs old.  I was sitting with Lonnie on the couch asking him where his body parts were, such as nose, eyes, things like that and then I got him to recite the alphabet and count as high as he could go.  I taught him that with alot of patience and love. My father was so proud of me that day. He told me I was glowing sitting there with my kid and finally I knew what it was like to actually be a mother. I guess you would have to have kids of your own to truly understand the unconditional love you have for your child, or atleast you would have to have helped raise one to understand.

I loved my Father, regardless of how many fights we had, regardless of how easy or hard my childhood was. He did the best he could and I am the result of that.  I'm not perfect however I am perfectly me.....


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Unresolved........

New assignment basically same topic........My Dad...

I'm suppose to be writing about things in my life with my father that I feel were left unresolved. My relationship with my Dad wasn't perfect, we had our ups and downs. The only thing that I felt was left unresolved is the fact I wasn't there when he passed. I talked about this in a previous post.

I know growing up my father was the bread winner. He always worked therefore he wasn't home much and when he was at home he spent most of his time drinking. Growing up at times in my household was not easy. There were times we had no food, no lights, no water....It was almost like living back in 1800's. We literally had to haul water in 5gallon buckets from the church down the road to our house. We'd cook our food(at times as only canned beans) on a wooden stove. We had the good times as well when all the bills were paid and there was food on the table.

All through grammar school and highschool I played sports. Neither one of parents ever came to a practice or a game. That hurt my feelings more than they knew  however, I just dealt with it and continued playing. I don't think they ever came to any school activities until my Graduation. I'm not angry about it. It just wasn't their thing. I know they were both still proud of me.

Back to what I feel was unresolved. I honestly do not know what to say. I've been told that I shouldn't feel bad about not being there but I do. He wanted me to come home and I ignored his request. All he wanted to do was see me before he left....I can't get that out of my head.

More good times :)

Back to writing on my assignment for my MamaKat and Master Wolf :)


I'm writing another good memory of my Dad......This is going to be about the birth of my second son T.J (Tommy Joseph).....I remember this like it was yesterday. He was born on Thursday September 14 at exactly 11:45 pm......That morning I started labor, nothing major just a little bit of cramping so I proceeded to do my daily routine. I wasn't working at the time so I went to see my dad because I was staying at my mother's house for the time being until T.J. was born. My Dad literally freaked out because I was running around instead of going to the hospital as soon as labor started. I didn't want to go to early and be turned away.  I decided to see him and go shopping to kick the labor in even more. I remember after leaving his house around 2 or 3 in the afternoon him calling me and cursing me out telling me to either go back to my mom's or to the hospital.  He was more nervous than I was and so was my mother.

I ofcourse went to my mom's house and settled in until I was ready to go.  I think I laughed the entire time I was in labor because laughter always makes things easier when you are in pain and can laugh. Eventually that evening I called my Doc because my contractions were only 6 minutes apart and very painful . My Doc told me to go ahead and go to the hospital. I swear I had some Jerry Springer shit during this birth. I had my pregnant best friend with me, my mother and her new husband, my dad and his new girlfriend all go to the hospital with me. I got to the hospital just in time to deliver T.J.  I remember the nurses telling everyone to get out of my room except for the 2 people of  my choice. I chose my mom and my dad because they were with me when I had my first son Lonnie, however, they didn't get to see his birth. My dad never seen the birth of any of his children and he got to see his grandson come into this world.  He stood at the head of the bed because he couldn't handle standing anywhere else. The man still turned white as a ghost and literally passed out. Luckily there was a nurse behind him to catch him so he didn't hit the floor. I'm in full labor and laughing the entire time just watching him. It was amazing having both of my parents share that moment with me especially my dad.because T.J. is named after him.  This is one of my greatest and most precious memories of my father and it's something that I myself can always smile about and so can my son T. J. . ......My dad was never really good at holding little tiny newborns so watching him take T.J. in his arms so naturally was a beautiful sight..........


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Remembering

I have a few more thoughts and memories to write about my Father so here goes....


As I stated before I really only think of the good times. Some of these memories are kind of fucked up( pardon the language but it's true). My Dad and I fought like hell, went months and sometimes a few years without speaking to one another, however, eventually we would find common ground . That's what family does. As i've said before I worked going to highschool and as much as I studied and worked I partied even harder. I started going to bars by the time I was 17. My parents at this point were divorced and my dad and I would party together along with all of our friends. Sounds irresponsible on his part for allowing me to drink, however, I was a very responsible person and I knew my limit.  I remember many nights I either was with him or going to pick him up. Even though it sounds awful that I went to bars with one of my parents at such a young age I still cherish all the crazy times we had.

I'm not perfect by any means and I've had my share of messing up doing really stupid things. Once upon a time I had bad drug habit. Did I go to rehab for it?? Hell No....I went to  Tommy's house of rehab (my dad). He helped me get clean and get back on my feet. I was lucky to have him because no sooner than I got myself clean and sober I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son. Life works in mysteries ways and I believe with all my heart that my Dad and my son saved my life. I love both of my kids equally, however, in different ways. My Dad...He's always been my rock, the one person that could keep me grounded and no matter what I did he was always there for me. When my heart was broken, it was my dad that was there to help me pick up the pieces ,  when I would find a new job, my kids first steps, first words, he was there.  I guess you could say we kind of grew up together in one way or another. After my parents divorced my dad went a little nuts. So we kind of held each other together.

I put up with his crazy ass girlfriends and he had to put up with my crazy ass in general.  The women he chose were not anything to brag about but after being married for 21years and then divorced I guess you can go a little wild and your judgement is blinded. I know there were a few that I fought with because of how they were using him. That's what kids do though. There isn't anyone good enough for your parents. I'm dealing with the same thing out my kids today so I know how he felt back then.  In the end my dad was still in love with my mother  up until the day he died and i'm sure he loves her beyond the grave as well.

Two days before he passed I was staying with a friend of mine and he called me asking me to come home and I didn't go. I told him I would be home that coming up Saturday. If I could only go back in time and pay more attention to his words. He knew something was wrong and he wanted to see me one more time before he left this life. I feel like I disappointed him because I didn't read between the lines. I didn't pay attention. I was out having fun and he was dying.  This is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and it hurts beyond what any words could express. I've let him down many times but not like this. Then again maybe I let myself down more than letting him down. I do know before we hung up the phone with one another we told each other "I love you" and he said I'll see you on Saturday. Saturday never came...My son is the one that had to break the news to me that Friday and also came to pick me up. I went home to my entire family falling apart and me being the person that I am took over. My uncle Billy told me he was glad that I wasn't there to see my Dad like that. He said I wouldn't have been able to handle it. In some way I suppose he is right, however, it still doesn't make me feel much better. I made the funeral arrangements and all that they entailed. I even had to be the one to pick out the clothes he would wear, not something that was easy for me.  We cremated him 2days before Christmas. My holidays will not ever be the same. I know it gets easier with time but right now it's still hard as hell to even think about.  I miss him.......

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hmmm

I survived Father's Day......Hell I only teared up once or twice which is good I think. I'm suppose to write more about my dad but i'm kind of running a blank here. I'm thinking it's because i'm finally alright or atleast i'm on the road to being alright. So many things have come to surface the past few weeks with my emotions.


I can say this about my childhood being raised by crazy parents especially my Dad. There was never a dull moment. There are so many things that we did without, however, we still survived and made the best of what we had. Our vacations were really just going camping for a weekend. We didn't even have tents just sleeping bags. Always winging things and laughing the entire time.  I can't really think of anything negative to say. We had good times and bad , the good always out weighs the bad to make great memories.  He was definitely a firecracker and i'm just like him.......

Father's Day

I'm writing some things down for my Mistress about my Father. She says it'll help me deal with his loss plus it'll keep his memory alive :)

This coming up Sunday is Father's Day. I'm not sure how i'm going to react because it's the first time i've been without my Dad. I've talked about him a bit in previous posts however, i'm dedicating this post fully to him. I said it before and i'm saying it again, i've lost family and friends all through out my life, however, the loss of my Dad, my best friend, has been the hardest thus far. I think about him often even to the point of him being in my dreams. I'm guessing it's because I miss him so much and maybe in some form it's his way of telling me he's alright....

I look back at the good times and bad time he and I have had and I can't help but smile. I am the youngest of 3 siblings and you would think that I was the one spoiled. In fact it's the total opposite, sure he spoiled me in some ways, however, it's because I try to always do the right thing and be responsible.  My father raised me totally different from my brother and sister.  When I became of age (working age that is) He told me if I wanted anything in life to go out and get it myself because he isn't going to make the same mistakes with me as he did my siblings. So being the person that I am I got a job at 16, worked full time and went to school all throughout highschool. It wasn't easy holding down a job and studying, however, it taught me responsibility and for that I am thankful. I actually bought my first car with my earnings, bought all my clothes and helped pay bills. I had no financial help from anyone, I took it upon myself to offer what I could. Finally my Dad stated he got it right with one of his kids, me :) He was and has always been so proud of me for that.

My Dad wasn't perfect by any means but in my eyes he was.  We all have our faults.  I remember when I was pregnant with my oldest son. I was so scared. I was only 18 and just graduated highschool.  I pretty much had myself together although I still lived at home with my father (parents were divorced at this point). I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until I was around 7 months. You couldn't tell I was pregnant with my first until I was around 8 months. I really really was frightened to death to have to tell my dad, he already knew but was waiting on me to confirm it. The way he got it out of me is actually hilarious. He was driving me to work one morning and all throughout this pregnancy I had morning and night sickness, so he lights up a cigarette knowing it's going make me sick and to make me spill the beans. Ofcourse I had him pull over because I got sick, lol.  You'd have to have been then to understand the comedy behind this.I knew then that he already knew so I confirmed it for him. He was the only one that didn't put me down for getting pregnant. I was young, yes , but everything happens for a reason ( my dad taught me that) and my son Lonnie came into my life at the perfect time.  My dad , the redneck gentleman, gave up his room and his bed for me while I was pregnant. I couldn't sleep on anything but a waterbed for some reason. He stood behind me throughout the entire 9months of my pregnancy. I gave him his first grandson and he taught me how to be a mom. Crazy how it was my dad helping me learn how to be a parent and not my mother. I was a daddy's girl so I reckon it was just natural.

My father knew when he brought me back home over a year and half ago that he didn't have much longer to live. I was actually living in knoxville with a friend and he brought me home for Christmas supposedly for a visit. He had other intentions ofcourse and I had no idea until I actually got home for the first time in 3years that I wasn't going back to knoxville. I'm glad he did what he did so I could spend the rest of his days with him. There is not a day that went by that we didn't tell one another "I love You". I can lay my head down at night peacefully knowing I was there for him and made him happy throughout his last days on this earth.

As I said above I don't know how i'm going handle Sunday, however, i'm going to try to keep myself together. He'd kick my ass if knew I was sitting here crying. Luckily I do have wonderful people around me that understand and are here for me. Master Wolf and Mama Kat will make sure I don't fall to pieces and i'm positive they'll keep me busy doing something.  I think i'm going to go outside at some point in the evening alone and light a candle in his honor so I can sit back and reminisce on the good times and my life growing up in his eyes.....It'll do me some good.......





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random thoughts

I haven't posted in a few days so I thought that it was time I do so.  Once again i'm going through some health issues that have me stressed and a little down. I have chronic wounds on my abdomen that are having difficulty healing. This is what I was afraid of. I dealt with the same thing last year, however, last year it was difficulty from a previous surgery. The wounds I have now are pretty much from the same thing, atleast it's the results from the surgery. The ER doc said it was a skin condition that I developed from my past surgeries. For once I just want to be healthy and stay that way. The wounds could possibly take up to a year to heal which doesn't help my attitude. I have to keep positive but it's really hard, luckily I have a great support system (MamaKat and Master Wolf) pushing me to keep my spirits up.  All of us here have been sick in some form so we have to keep each other thinking positive. I'm not use to having anyone care as much they do. It's very comforting but new to me.

I got myself in trouble this past weekend. Me being stubborn is not going to work out too well, lol. My emotions are on a rollercoaster and I had major melt down and when asked if I was alright I lied and said yes knowing that I wasn't. I know I should have just said no but I will be, however, I didn't. Master and Mistress needed some alone time together and I didn't want to spoil it so I lied. Not a good thing to do. Honestly I felt like I would have been being selfish by stating what was wrong and taking time away from them. I now know better and that won't happen again. I need to realize that I can't be this strong person that I normally am all the time. It's ok to break down and need comfort. The timing was just really bad in my eyes, but I can't determine when the outburst of tears are going to fall. Master and Mistress made me realize what's going on with me and why i'm on this emotional roller coaster. Usually I don't have time to deal with emotions. I always have people pulling me in all sorts of directions needing me to this or do that for them. Taking care of everyone's needs but my own. Now that I have been staying here with MamaKat and MasterWolf  I have time to relax and let those bottled up feelings come to surface. I don't have people driving me totally insane. I'm so not use to opening up in that manner but it's time I learned how and how to let go.

Today I woke up for the first time in days feeling like myself and feeling decent. After going to the  ER on Monday I ended up sleeping for two days. The stress got to me, kicked my lupus in and I hurt all over so my body needed rest. I'm hoping to get some things done around the house today since I'm feeling better.

I'm happy as a bee this morning. I spoke with my oldest son several times lastnight and my youngest this morning. Funny how they always seem to know when I need to hear their voices. Speaking with my kids always puts me in a wonderful mood. They are my heart and if I have done anything good in my life it was having them.

Going back to the subject of my crazy emotions, the things I didn't deal with in the past are coming out now. I have had 5 deaths in my life over the past year and half along with having my heart ripped out and shred into a million tiny little pieces.  I've lost friends and family and the hardest to deal with and still is, was the death of my father. We lost him just before Christmas and it was not expected , at least not so soon. My dad's health has been poor for a long time. I'd say a little over a year and half ago he brought me home so I could spend what little time he had left with him.  During this time I was sick too so we supported one another.  What started me on my outburst was a dream that I had of him.  I don't know that the dream meant anything particular but it made me realize just how much I miss him. My dad was best friend, he knew everything about me , good and bad, and still accepted me for me with out judging.  I think about him often and still to this day I tear up. I just want to be able to go home and see him sitting there in his chair watching tv. Every night we'd sit together and talk about life in general. I miss those conversations so much. I know he's not suffering anymore, however, I still wish he was here.

Moving on to the heartbreak. I thought that I was fine and over it but life has told me otherwise.  I'll never understand why some people are the way they are, manipulative and cruel. To give your heart fully to someone and love unconditionally opening up everything inside you leaving nothing undone is not something I do easily or freely. I won't say his name because honestly it still hurts too much.   I knew him for a little over 3 years (atleast I thought I knew him) and out of those 3 years we were together as a couple for a year. We lived in different states so we'd take turns traveling to see one another. For the first time in my life I thought I was living my fairy tale of love story. Yes I still think of love as a fairy tale. I gave him all of me then one day out of no where he just up and disappeared. Everything was fine and dandy, life was great as I was getting ready to move to Georgia to be with him full time then poof...He was gone. I never got closure on this and I guess that's why it still hurts as much as it does. After his disappearance I found out just how manipulative he was. This man had a whole other life, two other women, one which lived near him in Georgia. Talk about a slap in the face. This makes it really hard for me to trust because I thought I knew him when I really didn't know him at all. I am still trying to figure out how to overcome all this. I guess it's going to be one day at time.

For the first time I actually opened up and told MamaKat and MasterWolf about him which was not easy for me. I cried the entire time when speaking about him. I think it helped opening up and it's the first step in moving on with my life and getting over him.



 Now i'm off  to go on a hat hunt. Master's hat has disappeared somewhere in this house and i'm on a mission to find it. More to come later....Going to get my day started........

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Positive Thinking

Yesterday to let out some of my frustrations and I actually walked 4.2 miles. Me, yes me, I did it!! I didn't give in or give up and call my Master to come pick me up because I got too hot and too tired. I pushed myself and kept on walking.  I walked to the pharmacy and back and that was a total of 4.2 miles.  I am so proud of myself!!

All in all yesterday was a pretty good day.  I feel better because I got rid of the negativity I was feeling with my health.  I'll be just fine no matter what I have to go through, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't understand the reasoning behind these things, however, it is what it is and God's will. 

After walking I straightened up the house and talked with Master throughout the day.  I really enjoy talking with Him even it's about silly things. He along with Mistress keep me positive and they both build my self esteem up.  I don't know that I will serve them for the rest of my life but I do know I am meant to be here at this point in time.  I really enjoy being here, I absolutely adore their son too, he is so intelligent and great to be around. He keeps me laughing, hell even the animals adopted me. What more could I ask for :)

I spoke with both of my boys again yesterday. Man I really miss when they were younger and needed me more. Not that I want to go back in time and start all over, but, those were precious moments.  My oldest Lonnie wants to study for his GED, which makes me so proud of him. Honestly he didn't do well in school and because of hard times he ended up quitting. I have to set him a Doctors appointment up so I can try to get his meds started again. He has ADD and the meds will help him concentrate.  I really hope he goes through with this because education these days is so important.  Now my youngest son T.J. is still in school and will be a senior next year. Two totally different kids but they are both great boys and I couldn't not ask for better sons. T.J. is the one raising chickens and his dog actually got hold of two of them and well, may they rest in peace.  I just hope the dog stays away from the remaining ones....I want fresh eggs, lol.....

Today is starting out positive and I believe all in all it'll be a great day. I have to take my uncle's a few groceries at some point today and go see my mom. Master is going to take me to run these errands and i'm excited because He and I have been listening to a book . I like to think of it as Master and I spending quality time together. I do cherish times like that and I hope He does as well.  I did sew His hat  this morning and He seems to like the outcome. It's His favorite hat so I didn't mind attempting to fix it. I actually enjoyed taking the time to do that for Him. To me I was doing something special just for Him :) 


Off to get my day started .......Toodles!!


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Worried

For once i'd actually like to write only positive things on here, unfortunately, that's not happening today.  I'm trying my hardest not to have a melt down and keep myself together for my Master and Mistress, however, I am finding it difficult right now.  I have a few wounds on my stomach that are not healing and i'm scared that it's going to put me in the hospital again. I have lupus, and a rare type of hemophilia which makes it hard for my body to heal certain things.  Last year I dealt with the same thing. Over the past few years i've been in and out of the hospital around 6 or 7 times due to health issues and surgeries along with having my fill of seeing doctors.  Frankly I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I spent 7 months last year dealing with trying to heal from 2 different surgeries (one of which I had difficulty with) and really don't want to have to do that again this year.  I'm stressed and worried to death. 

Yesterday my Master asked me if there was anything wrong because I wasn't acting like myself. I just told him that I was tired and achy, which is true but I didn't tell him everything.  I know I should have, however, why put my problems and worry's on someone that's already stressed. He doesn't need any more put on him.  I try to hide the fact that i'm stressing but it doesn't do any good, he sees right through me and so does Mistress. I'm just going to have to suck it up and go the Doctor or the ER and see what's going on with my health. Something i'm not ready to do. Hell I don't even know if I can get good health care if I need it. I don't have insurance so that's making all this even more stressful. I'm ready to pull my hair out and I would if it would help. 

On a positive note I did speak with both of my boys lastnight and my mom. My oldest got his license and now is mobile( scary thought) and my youngest is now raising chickens. Two totally different individuals but both are still Mama's boys.  I'm going to have to go home soon for at least a weekend and get together with my kids. It's time and I do miss them. We are all just so busy with separate lives it's hard to find common ground where we can all see one another at the same time. 

Funny how writing down my feelings and thoughts seem to take a huge load off my shoulders. Now that I feel bit better mentally, I can get off my whiny ass and get some of my chores done for the day.....Chow :) 


=submina=

More venting and thoughts (June 3rd, 2012)

You know there's not one person in this world that is perfect, we all have our faults. What really pisses me off is to see someone I care deeply for getting their feelings hurt.  My Master thought He made friends with some people, even went out of His way to help one of them out when they were in need and no one else gave damn only to basically get stabbed in the back.  He didn't deserve this and frankly I am extremely annoyed that this happened. He's already not feeling good so let's just kick him while he's down. I don't know what makes people so cruel but you would think they'd have a heart and appreciate the friend that could have been. I think that He is an amazing person, sometimes He puts a lot of faith in people only to be disappointed, but frankly that's life and how most people are. They put on a good front or play the helpless damsel in distress just to get attention . Then once they get what they want and need they could care less about you. This is why I don't really have that many friends only acquaintances.  I thank god everyday to have blessed me with my Master Wolf and my Mistress MamaKat. Between having Him and my wonderful Mistress I have found happiness so to see Him upset really gets under my skin and makes we want to kick everyone's ass that's put Him in this situation. Some people are just assholes and karma is a bitch so rest assured what goes around comes around and i'm just going to sit back and watch when it comes back on them, probably with a smile on face. They didn't deserve a friend like Him anyway, He deserves much better .........=submina=

Home

I have been in Little Rock for the past week and i'm so glad to be home. It feels so great to be missed and loved as I am. Being away from my Master and Mistress definitely put in very sad state. I am very very addicted to them both and don't like when i'm not near them. 

I've said it before and i'll say it again, I am truly blessed. I came home to Master being stressed out and the start of getting sick as well as Mistress still trying to get over her illness. Hopefully now that I am back home I can doctor both of them back to health. I love being able to serve them and I am fulfilled each and every day that I am allowed. 

I did get to go to the club again without them because neither one of them were up to it. Although I had a great time nothing compares to when I am with them. Yes I am bragging on them both because in my eyes they are the best and what we have doesn't even begin to compare to things that I have encountered in my past. 

I'm feeling pretty good tonight because I came home to my loving family and i'm back where I belong. Don't get me wrong I went out of town to help out a family member (my aunt) and didn't mind at all, however, it's just not the same .....

As for my night at the club, I myself didn't bottom to anyone because the gentleman I normally play with when Master and Mistress allow me to was unable to attend the club tonight. I did get to top a dear friend of mine and enjoyed it very much. She does wonderful when put in her happy place :)  There was a pretty good crowd tonight and lots of new faces. 


I actually have someone that wants to go out with me. He's not from here and I met him a few months back at a local concert. If we would have planned ahead a little better we probably would have seen one another tonight instead of me going to the club. There is always a next time and besides i'm needed at home. It's just nice to be hit on, makes me feel like i'm sexy, which Mistress and Master do very well at that, but to have someone else make you feel that way is always a bonus.  I do plan on seeing this man at some point, however, we definitely need to coordinate things in advance to make this happen.  My priorities are with my kids and my MamaKat  & Master Wolf, they will always come first..


On that note it's time to shut down for the night....More thoughts from my mind another day............

=submina=

Venting

I'm writing this time to vent and bitch so I can get it all out my system.  My life isn't bad at all, frankly i'm pretty happy go lucky most of the time.  Today on the other hand is not one of those days where I am all peachy and giggly. I'm rather irritated and most of what is causing this irritation is my fault. I have to start remembering to spread my time out a little more and give myself time before making any promises to do something.

I'm in Little Rock for the week and really don't want to be, however, I made a promise to someone that I would come visit again, just didn't realize it would be so soon. I'm not one to break a promise so I honored my word and here I sit. I know everything will be fine and maybe I needed to leave my wonderful Wykd family....My MamaKat and Master Wolf...I don't say that as a negative because I would much rather be back in Bartlett making sure they are taken care of because they both have been sick and now Master Wolf is curled up under blankets miserable, MamaKat is fighting stress and a relapse and  now she has to go home and take care of  Sir when she should be resting next to him.  I know I won't be able to  be there all the time but damnit I want to be.  They both need some TLC.  Even though we weren't on each others nerves I figured a few days apart would do us some good so that we don't take a chance of driving one another nuts. That's the only reason I kept my promise to my Aunt, however, had I known what I know now I would not have left.

With all that being said I am utterly worn out and very very tired.  Everything is bothering me today and I got my feelings hurt because i'm being a moody bitch due to lack of sleep and everything falling apart at once. I literally worked my hiney off spring cleaning for two days so the house would stay clean during my abscence and no one would really have to do much. My kid was an ass on the phone today,  took me forever to actually figure out that I needed to publish my blogs (journal) so that they can be read by MasterWolf and MamaKat which stressed me out, then I was trying to speak with Master on one of the gmail im's because my phone only has like 5 text messages left until the 1st and he got sick and asked me not to message him there because it was too noisey which irritated me even more because I can't send any text to check on him and I don't want to call and chance waking him up if he's resting. It's like i'm cursed, someone put a spell on me.  None of this is anyone's fault, it just has me down today and a little depressed.  A good nights sleep will do me justice and i'll be in a much better mood tomorrow.


I know i'm suppose to write in my journal when I first met James and Kat plus all the things in between now and then. I will and and i'll make sure that the correct time span corresponds with my journal. Right now i'm just writing down the present getting a few things off my chest, that's what a journal is for plus it is a way of communication between Master, Mistress and myself. It also will help them get to know me better in so many ways. 




Now that I vented and got it out of my system and I have a tasty chocolate homemade milk shake in my hand, I am feeling better.  Here in about an hour and a half i'm going to start listening to the book that Master so kindly downloaded for me surprising the dickens out of me and MamaKat loaned me her laptop so I could start this journal and listen the book. I swear, I have the most wonderful Master and Mistress , so kind and loving......I truly have been blessed........

submina....

Riding Solo

This is the first time I have gone out basically alone since being placed under consideration by Kat and James. I was told to to email details of my night to my Master and Mistress so I did and figured that would be my first blog as well. 

As always when with Barb we are always running late, however, we did make it to impact Saturday night just in time for the fire cupping demo. We got settled in and watched the show. It was very interesting and caught my attention.  I specifically spoke with Master Paul early in the day to make sure that He was going to be at impact because without my Master or my Mistress being there  he is the only person I would consider bottoming to.  I made sure to get permission but I really would have rather played with my MamaKat or my Sir Wolf.  There will always be another time so I am content with that, besides Master did need to go see His mom and so did Mistress. Didn't hurt for them to actually do something together without someone tagging along either. 

Okay so we had a demonstration of fire flogging and fire cupping. I found both to look really cool and interesting. Not only did we get a close up view of the demonstrations, we also got to try one of the two out and Master Paul volunteered me for the fire cupping.  For safety precautions I had to strip down fully naked.  I really don't like being naked in front of a lot of people. I know we are all kinky and seen naked people before , however, I still have issues with a certain part of my body. I'm not skinny by any means and frankly could stand to lose some weight. The issue is with my stomach. It looks horrible due to past surgeries and the only way to fix it is another surgery. Well that isn't going to happen anytime soon so I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties and stripped.  It was well worth the embarrassment of having to show my squishy tummy.  Fire cupping is a bottoms dream!!  First you get oil rubbed on you, I was on my tummy so my back got it. Then the top (Dom) gets his tools out and dips it in some sort of alcohol, lights the end then rubs across your back almost touching it,  free hand following to put out any flames on the body. So basically it's like a hot oil massage. I was in pure heaven for about twenty minutes. I could have laid there for hours.

Now for the second part of my night after mingling a bit and settling down from the cupping , I topped Clay(PA901). He hasn't bottomed in quite sometime and I haven't topped so we helped one another out.  Clay is so much fun to scene with because if you can dish it out, that man can take it.  I like how I am challenged when striking  him with a flogger or a cane. You can hit him in the same spot over and over without him making a sound or even moving. He is most definitely a hard bottom. So what I find myself doing is finding ways to keep him guessing,  whacking him when he least expects it, hitting him with the just the right amount of force tapping the sweet spot that makes him curse or make some kind of sound, lol.  I know that's probably not right, however, it's not wrong either and making him squeak is a challenge. I beat the challenge. He ended up cursing and I ended up giggling at the fact he made noise.  Floggers, paddles, and canes OH MY!!!

Clay then ofcourse played with another after we were finished and rested up.  That man has learned a lot the past few months and is very good at switching. I'm proud of him because I'd like to think that I was a part of the learning and teaching process with him along with several other friends. It's great to help someone out that's really eager to learn and what's even better is that we all walked away with bit more knowledge in certain areas within this lifestyle and we learned from one another , making a lasting impression on each other and becoming the best of friends.

Master Paul , my dear friend Master Paul that loves boobies, especially mine, made a toy sort of a mini dragon tail or tongue just for my boobies. The reason He made this little toy is because I literally get my "ass" beat during most of my scenes( and yes I love it) however, people tend to forget I love breast play too and he caught me whining about it a bit a few weeks ago. Not that I was upset or anything, however, my poor poor tits were feeling a tad bit neglected. Thanks to the new toy, that has a really nice sting to it, my tits are neglected no more.  I get to name this toy, but i'm thinking it needs to be tested again before I pick one out *smiles*

Tamara was at impact with Steve and I was shockingly surprised  and a little impressed with her behavior. She didn't whine, bitch, complain, or try to boss me around for the first time since I don't know when. She was herself, the fun loving, out going, and silly woman that I first met months ago.   I guess with me avoiding her for a bit, standing my ground instead of feeling obligated or just plain sorry for her, did some justice. I refused to be the punching bag for her. Tamara is a good person deep down, I just think sometimes she feels left out and doesn't know how to handle it. She was a little upset that I haven't called or been around, however, I did what I had to do so I could feel good about me. I'm always going to be her friend, she just needed some tough love. 

Barb and I got breakfast after the club and I didn't get home until around four and didn't fall asleep until around six . I tossed and turned only getting about two hours sleep for the entire night.  So all in all it was a pretty good night. I handled going out without Master or Mistress and was a very good girl. I wouldn't have been anything less. I am a reflection of them, therefore, if I would've misbehaved not only would it make me look bad, but it would have made them as well . It's hard being away from those two for more than a few hours. I started missing them as soon as they left. What I have found in the two of them is the part of me that has been missing and i'm hoping they feel the same. It's not easy serving two people, however, I wouldn't want it any other way nor would I want to serve anyone else in that manner the way I do them. What we have is unique and special. I know that every relationship is in their own way , and I don't think what we have is any better than the next person however, I haven't been this happy, this content, or this fulfilled in a very very long time. Usually i'm  sick of being around the same person for so long by now. Not with my MamaKat or my Sir Wolffie.  I still can't get enough of either one of them. Maybe it's because we all fit, we balance one another out. I'm not going to question what is, i'm just going to enjoy it and live in the moment.  I don't know if it's meant to last a lifetime,what I do know is that it's meant to be right now and in the end the friendship we have, the love we all have for one another will last a lifetime. 
 

submina

Thoughts, feelings, and emotions

I have been serving Kat(MamaKat) and James(Master Wolf) for a little over a month and half now and I couldn't be happier.  I really wasn't looking to become anybody's domestic submissive. After all the ups and downs that I have had with relationships, I honestly didn't think it was possible and I damn sure didn't think I would ever sub to another female. We all three have known each other for roughly about 6 months. I know that I loved seeing both of them at munches and at the club being able to chit chat a bit. Master Wolf(James) and I talked more than Kat and I in the beginning, however, he always said that Kat and I need to spend time together and talk  because he thought that she and I would get along great.  Let me tell You , this man definitely knows what he is talking about because when Kat and I finally did get to hang out and spend time together, we clicked instantly, just like James and I did and I have pretty much been serving them ever since. Master Wolf is the total package(don't let this statement go to Your head when You read this Master, lol) , kind, sensitive, caring and soft spoken at times. Do not let all of these things fool you, He is an extremely dominating individual that knows his stuff. I am a very out spoken person myself and stubborn at times. I need a very confident Dominant that's not overbearing, well, Master James is exactly that.  Now MamaKat, with her knock out looks, beautiful soul, and just down right addicting personality goes perfect with Master James.  She won me over within seconds  just as James did. 



The first weekend the three of us spent together was a little crazy, wild, and a whole lot of fun. I knew then that I wanted to serve them.  The thing is i've never been that great with communication, not that I couldn't communicate but had a hard time opening up in my past relationships. The significant other didn't want to hear what I had to say, my thoughts and opinions didn't matter. Total opposite with MamaKat and Master Wolf. For the first time ever, I finally am with a Dominant couple that wants to hear my opinion, my thoughts, my concerns. This is what I wanted before but I didn't think it was out there, I now know different. I can't predict the future and I don't know if this is meant to last forever, however, I will say right now, I am right where I am suppose to be as their girl.

I serve both Kat and James with honor and a whole lot of mina love. For me serving them fulfills me. Knowing I am making a difference, helping, and pleasing them both puts me in a very, very happy place. It's not sexual for me, although I am attracted to both of them, physically, mentally, and emotionally there are rules and guidelines that are to be followed and respected and I take pride in following these knowing that I would not ever over step my boundaries.  I do get playtime with them both and every so often I get special attention from my Mistress and Master.  No matter what I cherish whatever time they give me. It's funny though, I know many girls that would think me nuts because of my situation. A lot of people just want the kink and sex. Well that's not what I am about. Mistress Kat and Master James bring out the deep submissive in me , the side of me that I didn't know still existed.  They make me proud of who I am and are helping me blossom and grow even more. It's hard to explain my feelings because I love them both unconditionally , and when I am away from them it drives  me nuts because I crave to be near them , it's like an addiction that I need to feed. I'm not obsessed, even though it may sound like I am, lol.

This blog is for me to express all these feeling and emotions. I'm not use to being this happy, however, I am enjoying it. For the first time since I don't know when, I do feel loved, wanted,and needed. What more could a girl ask for? This is just the beginning of a brand new chapter in all three of our lives.  I know things aren't always going to be how they are now. I'm bound to make mistakes, people fight, we get stressed, moody and sometimes unpredictable. The way I see it is, that this is a part of life and nothing worth having comes easy, you have to fight for what you want, work through the tough times together, and most of all, have faith.


MamaKat was right when she said to me, "Mina, you picked us out before we even ever thought of considering you". I don't know what pulled me in to the both of them however, the invisible leash is still pulling hard and going strong because each and every day that I spend with Kat and James, my need to serve them grows stronger.  The bond that we are forming won't ever be broken, no matter what the future has in store for us I will always be their minacakes their girl :)


I know James and Kat like to scene with other people and I do enjoy watching them at work, talk about HOT HOT HOT!!! I'm not one that needs constant attention 27/7, being able to stand on my own is one of the things I do believe Master and Mistress love about me.  I have no need to be jealous of other play partners, I am confident in my position and I get to go home with them, lol. Now who else can say that??  With that being said, I am very honored to be under consideration of Mistress Kat and Master  Wolf, two of the most amazing people that you will ever meet. My submission to them is not forced, I openly and willingly submit to them without doubt or fear, given I still have many things to learn, with their guidance and knowledge I do believe our world will only get better :)




submina